Valentines Day

So this will be the first time in years and year that I will (hopefully) have a girlfriend for Valentines Day. And I have no idea what in the world I should do. I want to do something special to show that I really care, but other than cutting out my heart or kidney, I have no idea what I can possibly do to impress her. Maybe I can take her out to dinner and we can eat something really romantic and exotic, like cow heart or sweet bread or something. But something tells me she would be morally, religiously, politically, spiritually, and ethically disinclined to dine with me. Oh, honestly, I find nothing but bad that can come from this idea.

Picture this with me. We go to dinner, an exotic plate of cow heart and monkey loins comes out to show her my love. She begins to eat, and I get drunk and tell her what's what. She throws up. The waiter yells at me and bops me on the nose, I get furious and bum rush him. Of course, we crash into a table that holding six banana cream pies, and those fly and hit a table of far too finely dressed people who begin weeping. We later find out that those gentry we soiled were actually about to present a huge monetary donation to the restaurant for its fine service, but decide otherwise, prompting the restaurant owner to hire a hit man to knock off the girl that puked and started it all. So now I'm left with a large check to cover the way too expensive cow brains and a dead girlfriend. Man, this is sounding like it will be a worse V-Day than last year when I was a P.O.W. on the set of Scrubs and had to listen to them making terrible jokes for hours upon hours. SCRUBS = SUCKAGE